Setting Boundaries: Why is it so hard?

Are you the kind of faculty member who gets to the office early, usually before everyone else, and tends to be the last to leave? Are you the first to offer to help a student or colleague in need? Are you spending your evenings and weekends reading assignments, writing an exam, or planning for the next day or week? Even though you love what you do, are you feeling constantly exhausted? 

Does this sound like burnout? 

Well, it is definitely a setup for it. 

However, there is something that we can do, starting today, that can address this. 

Set healthy boundaries 

I know this is easier said than done. I have spoken with many faculty members, both new and experienced, who all struggle with this. I get it. I struggle with it, too. We want to be there for our students. And you have chosen, for the second time, a profession that requires you to focus on others. But nowhere in the role of a clinical PA or a teacher and faculty member does it say you must disregard your own well-being. How many times have you heard or said to yourself or your students that you can't be there for others if you don't take care of yourself? But we don't do it. 

Why? 

I am sure many of you have asked yourself this same question when you are at your wit's end and completely exhausted and depleted, and your colleague shows up at your door and asks for your help on a project. Let's be clear: all of this isn't solely on you. Our culture expects teachers and health care providers to be superhuman, to come to work even when we are ill, and society, or our boss, the clinic, or the institution doesn't make it easy for us to easily choose to stay home with a sick child rather than going to work. It isn't uncommon for us to pit our sense of work responsibility against our need to care for ourselves. Too many times, we choose work. 

Pioneer, researcher, and author in the field of self-compassion, which is core to setting healthy boundaries is Kristin Neff, Ph.D. Much of what I will present here comes from her work. According to Neff, setting boundaries is a form of self-compassion, which involves treating oneself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a friend or loved one. It refers to being supportive toward yourself, not only in those times when stress and demands are at or approaching overwhelming. There are three main components of self-compassion: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. 

Self-kindness refers to being warm and kind to yourself instead of critical and judgmental. Common humanity recognizes that we all experience suffering and a sense of inadequacy, which helps us remember we are all connected. Mindfulness is our ability to acknowledge and be aware of our pain or discomfort in the moment but not let it become who we are. Setting boundaries engages these three components. 

If we hope to be the best we can be as clinicians, educators, role models, and human beings, then setting and maintaining healthy boundaries is a must. Boundary setting is actually an act of self-kindness. It helps us recognize the importance of rest and personal time for everyone, and mindfulness helps us keep our fingers on our own pulse regarding stress and fatigue levels. 

The positive outcomes of setting healthy and clear boundaries include reducing stress, increasing job satisfaction and self-efficacy, creating a better life balance, improving well-being, and guarding against burnout. 

Ways to create and maintain healthy boundaries as educators

Establishing healthy boundaries requires taking protective and empowering actions, or fierce self-compassion, as Neff refers to it, to take care of yourself and others. This means assertively setting and maintaining boundaries to ensure your needs and professional responsibilities are met. 

Prioritizing and Protecting

Think about creating ways to protect yourself from becoming overwhelmed and exhausted and feeling like all you do is work. Choose to protect your time and access by setting clear limits around your time on work tasks outside your work day. This includes your availability to students and responding to e-mails. Make these hours known to your leadership, colleagues, and students. Being in academia doesn't mean you are available 24/7. Consider not giving students your personal cell phone number. 

Prioritize making and keeping time for doing things that ensure your own needs are met, whether for rest, time for personal activities you enjoy, exercise, eating healthy, or time with loved ones. One way to help you prioritize is to schedule it into your daily, weekly, or monthly schedule. The truth is, if we don't schedule it, we are less likely to do it. Part of prioritizing and protecting is to schedule it. So, first thing each week, block your defined work hours, such as 8 – 5,  and then schedule and block time for you. Get it on the calendar and don't let your personal time be the first thing you give up when the schedule goes awry. I see this happen so frequently. We give up what we had planned when that request for help comes. 

Say no

It is incredible how difficult it is to say this two-letter word, and it is one of the most powerful action steps for maintaining healthy boundaries. Setting the boundary is easy, but keeping it when the boundary is challenged is hard. We feel pressure to say yes, even when we don't want to, for fear of coming across as uncooperative, unsupportive, uncaring, or self-centered. And although we cannot control what others think, when we don't keep our boundaries, ultimately, we are the ones who suffer. Saying no doesn't have to be mean or cold-hearted. Remember common humanity? Every one of us understands feeling overwhelmed and recognizes the importance of self-care. So, be honest and tell the colleague or student who asks for help that you understand they need help, but you cannot help them now and offer another time.   

Saying no is also a way of engaging mindfulness and self-compassion by acknowledging when you are exhausted or feeling stressed or overwhelmed and choosing to take care of yourself first. It helps you to recognize and respect your limits and avoid overcommitting. Of course, there will be times when breaking a boundary is warranted, but it should be the exception to the rule and done only if no other option or solution is possible. 

Let your boundaries be known

It is easier to keep your boundaries when you communicate them ahead of time in terms of work and personal time. Telling students when you are available and when you are not helps them understand and respect your expectations. The key here is not to break your boundaries. If you say you won't be responding to e-mails between 6 PM and 8 AM, stick to it. If you break it for even just one student, your boundary has been compromised, and students will quickly learn that you really don't mean it.  

Communicating and maintaining your boundaries helps set clear expectations and models healthy boundaries, self-compassion, and self-care. When we, as teachers, set clear limits on our availability between work hours and personal time, we model the importance of work-life balance. 

Teaching is hard work. It demands a lot of us. But it shouldn't compromise our health and well-being. No job should. It is up to us to ensure it doesn't by setting healthy boundaries, keeping them, and practicing self-care and compassion by doing things each day that replenish and rejuvenate us. As teachers, students take a lot of cues from us. By modeling effective boundary-setting and self-care, we encourage them to develop and practice those skills for themselves. 

References 

Neff, K. (2011). Self-Compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. HarperCollins. 

Neff, K. (2018). Why women need fierce self-compassion. Greater Good Science Magazine. https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/why_women_need_fierce_self_compassion 

Neff, K. (2023). Self-compassion: Theory, method, research and intervention. Annual Reviews of Psychology. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-psych-032420-031047